My editing program has been acting like a piece of shit almost as big as this stinker of a film, so you’ll probably notice a couple of audio hiccups, but here is my first review! It has a little of everything: fatal bumblebee attacks, uncomfortable curling iron penetration, and the worst mustache in film history:
WARNING– I spoil the living shit out of the end of this bad boy, so if you really have some strange masochistic interest in sitting through this festering boil of a movie, avert your eyes!
Up next will be The Gate– a superior film with even bigger laughs!
So, editing my video is taking a little longer than anticipated, but it should be up tomorrow! In the meantime, here are a few of trailers for some of the movies I’m going to review:
The Stuff– An awesome cheese-fest about renegade alien ice cream that can control minds and turn people into zombies
The Gate– One of my favorite 80’s horror movies about kids that open a portal to Hell by playing a heavy metal record backwards.
Waxwork– A film about an evil wax museum with exhibits that are just a little too realistic.
It’s 1:30am and I’m riding high on summer fumes, the intoxicating alertness brought on by idleness entwining itself with the strange desire to watch the best and worst retro bullshit movies I can find. As a cinephile, I’m obviously aware and attracted to the finer entries into the annals of film history. However, Instead of making long, wistful posts on the impeccable visual composition of Citizen Kane or the amazing ensemble of talent in Casablanca, I’m going to focus on that niche of the industry most normal critics can’t appreciate—that inbred, nympho, black sheep brand of cinema that Roger Ebert keeps hidden in his underwear drawer. No, no, I won’t be sipping merlot and eating brie while watching the 400 Blows by Truffaut this summer, but I will be soaking in gallons of poorly mixed corn syrup blood gushing from horny college kids stupid enough to have sex in hillbilly country.
I invite you to join me on my journey past pretentious Academy Awards fodder, through dingy grindhouses and drive-ins, and into the bowels of celluloid hell where subtlety goes to die. If you don’t like evil biker rapists, perverted dwarves, knife wielding transsexuals, cannibal rednecks, wire-fu masters, murderous religious zealots, and lots of gratuitous violence and boobage…. enjoy all your fancy schmancy morals and culture this summer in namby pamby smart people land. For everyone else, I entreat you to enter, ye of lowbrow and brutish palette!
My first official video post will be on the shit-tacular Sleepaway Camp—coming on the 3rd of July: